Buddha said we suffer because we are attached. In my present experience the degree of suffering is directly proportional to the degree of attachment and I had no idea how attached I was until I tried to detach. I’ve left before. In fact, I came into this relationship leaving. “Don’t bother getting too attached to me, I’m just passing through…” But this time the leaving feels different, more final. It’s a real intentional step out of one life and into some other unknown world which I perceive to be richer, fuller, more expansive and open, and today the forces of inertia are stronger than any wind or rain I’ve ever come up against. God, I want to stay so badly. How dare I want more than what I have?
The way two people break up speaks volumes of their feelings. It’s always easier to find a way to hate the person, slam the door and walk away with a hundred justifications for why he’s a bastard and you deserve better. I tried that several times with Ron, and before I knew him well, it might have worked, but the forces of inertia at the time were too strong for my tired soul and I either came back or stayed. Now that I’ve known him four years and shared with him some of the biggest bellylaughs of my life and one or two of my proudest moments and joyful carefree weekends and rivers of tears, I find it impossible to be mad at him for longer than five minutes. Today we just hugged and bawled and he held me and I bawled some more and he blessed me on my way saying he understands and he adores me and he wants me to find happiness and he offered me some advice for the next man who is lucky enough to have me he said “give him everything because I couldn’t have all of you and you should just let go and give him everything because you’re great and I’m jealous of him because I really really wished hard that it would have been me that you gave everything to” and I said I was afraid I might be nothing without him and I told him for the thousandth time to quit smoking and he told me not to ride in the rain and we bawled some more and hugged some more and the forces of inertia joined in.
The way two people break up speaks volumes of their feelings. It’s always easier to find a way to hate the person, slam the door and walk away with a hundred justifications for why he’s a bastard and you deserve better. I tried that several times with Ron, and before I knew him well, it might have worked, but the forces of inertia at the time were too strong for my tired soul and I either came back or stayed. Now that I’ve known him four years and shared with him some of the biggest bellylaughs of my life and one or two of my proudest moments and joyful carefree weekends and rivers of tears, I find it impossible to be mad at him for longer than five minutes. Today we just hugged and bawled and he held me and I bawled some more and he blessed me on my way saying he understands and he adores me and he wants me to find happiness and he offered me some advice for the next man who is lucky enough to have me he said “give him everything because I couldn’t have all of you and you should just let go and give him everything because you’re great and I’m jealous of him because I really really wished hard that it would have been me that you gave everything to” and I said I was afraid I might be nothing without him and I told him for the thousandth time to quit smoking and he told me not to ride in the rain and we bawled some more and hugged some more and the forces of inertia joined in.
posted by Moira Nordholt | 4:06 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home